I read this today and was so inspired...

Looking for the Messiah,Part 2
by Max LucadoSome missed him.
Some miss him still.
We expect God to speak through peace, but sometimes he speaks through pain.We think God talks through the church, but he also talks through the lost.We look for the answer among the Protestants, but he's been known to speak through the Catholics.
We listen for him among the Catholics but find him among the Quakers.We think we hear him in the sunrise, but he is also heard in the darkness.We listen for him in triumph, but he speaks even more distinctly through tragedy.
We must let God define himself.
When we do, when we let God define himself, a whole new world opens before us. How, you ask? Let me explain with a story.
Once there was a man whose life was one of misery. The days were cloudy, and the nights were long. Henry didn't want to be unhappy, but he was. With the passing of the years, his life had changed. His children were grown. The neighborhood was different. The city seemed harsher.
He was unhappy. He decided to ask his minister what was wrong.
"Am I unhappy for some sin I have committed?"
"Yes," the wise pastor replied. "You have sinned."
"And what might that sin be?"
"Ignorance," came the reply. "The sin of ignorance. One of your neighbors is the Messiah in disguise, and you have not seen him."
The old man left the office stunned. "The Messiah is one of my neighbors?" He began to think who it might be.
Tom the butcher? No, he's too lazy. Mary, my cousin down the street? No, too much pride. Aaron the paperboy? No, too indulgent. The man was confounded. Every person he knew had defects. But one was the Messiah. He began to look for Him.
He began to notice things he hadn't seen. The grocer often carried sacks to the cars of older ladies. Maybe he is the Messiah. The officer at the corner always had a smile for the kids. Could it be? And the young couple who'd moved next door. How kind they are to their cat. Maybe one of them .
With time he saw things in people he'd never seen. And with time his outlook began to change. The bounce returned to his step. His eyes took on a friendly sparkle. When others spoke he listened. After all, he might be listening to the Messiah. When anyone asked for help, he responded; after all this might be the Messiah needing assistance.
The change of attitude was so significant that someone asked him why he was so happy. "I don't know," he answered. "All I know is that things changed when I started looking for God."
Now, that's curious. The old man saw Jesus because he didn't know what he looked like. The people in Jesus' day missed him because they thought they did.
How are things looking in your neighborhood

House of Mirrors
On January 3, 2010 it will be 2 years since my son, Brandon, was hit by a truck riding his bicycle home from a girls house that he had just asked to be his girlfriend. He was probably daydreaming ...maybe not paying attention to what was behind him...who knows. But its Christmas day today. Although I am greatful for all God has done in my life, I cant help but wonder if I will ever be truely happy again.
I feel guilty feeling this way because I think it sends a twisted message to my other son, Dillan. Like he is somehow not enough for me to just suck it up. See, being seperated from them for 7 years should have been enough to make me put all my grief aside and be greatful for the blessing of the one son that I DO have, that loves me and not only forgives me, but has really forgotton that I was absent and is baffled by the fact that I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame for not being with them due to my addiction to drugs. Dillan is amazing. Really, he is.
I try not to let my feelings dictate how I feel....how I live. I try to live by what I know. What I know is:
God loves me and my sins are forgiven and forgotten
My son Dillan loves me and what I did is forgiven and forgotton.
Brandon forgave me and wanted me to come home.
I can either dwell on the fact that I got here too late and he was already gone...live with pain and regret and punish myself until the day God takes me out of my miserable existance...
...OR...
I can try to be the best mom to Dillan I can be and give him all that he needs from me everyday
Try to RECEIVE the love and forgiveness God has given me ( having it, and receiving it- two different things)
Make the best of my life and lean on God for peace inside me.

Now, reading that , it looks like a no-brainer--right?
well its NOT. Its HARD. Its like theres a house of mirrors in my head. Everywhere I look-there I am. All of my stupid decisions and all of my ...well lets just say- guilt and shame. I hate myself for what I have done and I dont even know if its possible to ever feel any different than that . I am not that person anymore and havent been for a long, long time actually, but I just cant shake this. Whenever I try to focus on the positive, BAM-another mirror and theres my face starring back at me. I can usually put it in its right place but on holidays...whew...its like I get sucker-punched in the head and I'm just stunned and dizzy from the overwhelming grief that is my life.
but I put on that mask of happiness and I laugh and interact...but I really just want to scream. I actually get guilty feelings, regularly, when I do have happy moments. I know Brandon would not want me to be like this. He would want me to be happy and make his brother happy. Thats the ironic part- I STILL cant give this kid what he wants! That in itself makes me feel most like shit.
I have to believe that he is still around and can see us and feel us. (Not sure how biblical that is, but I need to keep that....so dont anyone bother telling me any different because I will not listen nor will I care what you think.) I also believe that when I talk to him when I am alone he can hear me on some level (I'll be keeping that one too) and I have apologized 1000 times. I picture him wanting to write in the steam on the bathroom mirror "stop crying you big baby!" (He was 18 and a self-proclaimed comedian since he was little)
Its like, I KNOW I am being rediculous and these fellings = *DANGER, DANGER* for me... but my brain and my logical mind just will not connect with my emotions. Its frustrating...almost like multiple personality disorder or something...except in MPD, one conciousness isnt aware of the alters simutaniously...I am always aware of both sides and its like a ping pong game of emotions with a different winner every 10 minutes.
Well the moment has passed and I have cried my eyes out for the last hour so I am starting to feel alittle better.
Like I said before, the holidays are very hard-especially Christmas and New Years because its the anniversary time also.
Tomorrow's another day.
Merry Christmas. Sorry if I bummed you out.

New Friends

Every once in a while someone comes along and does something really nice for you "just because". Isn't it great when that happens?
Today I had the chance to get to know a new friend. There was a time in my life when I would have ignored ANY woman who tried to befriend me. I didnt like women. I could never relate to anything they said or did. They made absolutely ZERO sense to me. I found women to be caddy and fake. All the friends I have had thruout my life have been men. With men, what you see is what you get- right? WRONG. Im sure you know where I'm going with that...although not all men are like that and a few are still my friends to this very day.
Anyway... since my "new beginning" God has been working on me and I think I've come a long way with trust...especially trusting women. Turns out they're not that bad at all!
Today I got to talk for several hours with a woman I met on facebook who helped me set up this great blog site so I can rant and rave PUBLICLY! To me, thats very cool. She did it for free, and just because she wanted to. How awesome is that? We laughed alot and talked about alot of stuff that we both have in common. It was very nice.
So thank you, Barbara, for all your hard work ...lol...just kidding
THANK YOU Amy...you are a friend I will cherish...and thank you for all your hard work and for making me laugh today. Hope I returned the favor... Big Ups to YOU!

Intro...

Greetings!
This will be a collection of ramblings from a mind thats being restored from insanity, day by day. This mind is a work in progress. This mind is protected by God himself. This mind has been thru more pain than one mind should ever see...but is starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
There are so many thoughts swirling around in this mind that just HAVE TO come out...so much to say....
This mind may not always be politicly correct, (or even correct , period) but it will always be honest and sincere in what it says.
This mind belongs to me. Its been with me since the very beginning of my life. It has seen what I've seen, heard what I've heard and felt what I've felt...good, bad and horrifying.
I think since myself and this mind are one in the same I will combine us together and begin writing about our experiences ...so from this point forward, I wont speak of this mind in 3rd person and we can get started...here it goes...