House of Mirrors
On January 3, 2010 it will be 2 years since my son, Brandon, was hit by a truck riding his bicycle home from a girls house that he had just asked to be his girlfriend. He was probably daydreaming ...maybe not paying attention to what was behind him...who knows. But its Christmas day today. Although I am greatful for all God has done in my life, I cant help but wonder if I will ever be truely happy again.
I feel guilty feeling this way because I think it sends a twisted message to my other son, Dillan. Like he is somehow not enough for me to just suck it up. See, being seperated from them for 7 years should have been enough to make me put all my grief aside and be greatful for the blessing of the one son that I DO have, that loves me and not only forgives me, but has really forgotton that I was absent and is baffled by the fact that I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame for not being with them due to my addiction to drugs. Dillan is amazing. Really, he is.
I try not to let my feelings dictate how I feel....how I live. I try to live by what I know. What I know is:
God loves me and my sins are forgiven and forgotten
My son Dillan loves me and what I did is forgiven and forgotton.
Brandon forgave me and wanted me to come home.
I can either dwell on the fact that I got here too late and he was already gone...live with pain and regret and punish myself until the day God takes me out of my miserable existance...
...OR...
I can try to be the best mom to Dillan I can be and give him all that he needs from me everyday
Try to RECEIVE the love and forgiveness God has given me ( having it, and receiving it- two different things)
Make the best of my life and lean on God for peace inside me.
Now, reading that , it looks like a no-brainer--right?
well its NOT. Its HARD. Its like theres a house of mirrors in my head. Everywhere I look-there I am. All of my stupid decisions and all of my ...well lets just say- guilt and shame. I hate myself for what I have done and I dont even know if its possible to ever feel any different than that . I am not that person anymore and havent been for a long, long time actually, but I just cant shake this. Whenever I try to focus on the positive, BAM-another mirror and theres my face starring back at me. I can usually put it in its right place but on holidays...whew...its like I get sucker-punched in the head and I'm just stunned and dizzy from the overwhelming grief that is my life.
but I put on that mask of happiness and I laugh and interact...but I really just want to scream. I actually get guilty feelings, regularly, when I do have happy moments. I know Brandon would not want me to be like this. He would want me to be happy and make his brother happy. Thats the ironic part- I STILL cant give this kid what he wants! That in itself makes me feel most like shit.
I have to believe that he is still around and can see us and feel us. (Not sure how biblical that is, but I need to keep that....so dont anyone bother telling me any different because I will not listen nor will I care what you think.) I also believe that when I talk to him when I am alone he can hear me on some level (I'll be keeping that one too) and I have apologized 1000 times. I picture him wanting to write in the steam on the bathroom mirror "stop crying you big baby!" (He was 18 and a self-proclaimed comedian since he was little)
Its like, I KNOW I am being rediculous and these fellings = *DANGER, DANGER* for me... but my brain and my logical mind just will not connect with my emotions. Its frustrating...almost like multiple personality disorder or something...except in MPD, one conciousness isnt aware of the alters simutaniously...I am always aware of both sides and its like a ping pong game of emotions with a different winner every 10 minutes.
Well the moment has passed and I have cried my eyes out for the last hour so I am starting to feel alittle better.
Like I said before, the holidays are very hard-especially Christmas and New Years because its the anniversary time also.
Tomorrow's another day.
Merry Christmas. Sorry if I bummed you out.
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I wish I could give you a hug and take all your pain away. I couldn't even begin to imagine the loss of a child. I wouldn't dare mention anything about "feeling his presence" as myself, I have lived in one other and in this house which is haunted and proven...so yeah it doesn''t line up with the explanation of the bible, but we experience it ourselves!!!! God forgives you, he loves you, your son and family loves you, I adore you...sometimes the hardest part of life is forgiving ourselves. Extend the same mercy, love, compassion, and forgiveness to yourself as God gives to us. I will call you soon to catch up...so busy having the kids home from school!!! I miss you and think of you often!
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